WORE(M), HOODED EYES

I have hooded eyes and for years I had no idea that's what it was called, I just knew I spent way too much time applying liquid eyeliner only to have it disappear once my eyes opened. The downside to hooded eyes is those gorgeously dramatic eye tutorials are useless. The upside to hooded eyes is eventually the upper eye skin sags so much, it will impair one's peripheral vision which means insurance will pay for... AN EYE LIFT! Of course, as my therapist pointed out as she was prepping for her own eye lift  "No self-respecting, New York plastic surgeon accepts insurance," but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. 

Through the years I've made a little bit of peace with my eyes. I've learned eye makeup must be applied in an outward and upward direction to avoid looking like Droopy the Dog. I've also realized some really hot women have hooded eyes (Jennifer Lawrence, Blake Lively, Sienna Miller, Camilla Belle) and I try and copy their eye makeup when I have a reason to wear it. Turns out, the Late Thirties doesn't provide me many opportunities to wear a full-on eye look but I swear someday soon I will make it fashionable to fight with women over the last bag of kale at Whole Foods while in my full eye makeup glory.

As you might imagine, I own far too many eye palettes and, like most basic ladies devoid of imagination or individuality, I currently favor warm colors. Truthfully, you only need one palette but you already know this and that is why you will be able to spend your elderly years in a clean nursing home staffed with nurses who lovingly change your diapers and gently spoon apple sauce into your mouths. Me, on the other hand? I'll spend the dusk of my life in a Medicaid Flophouse filled with University of Phoenix online nursing school graduates who blaze up next to me and my oxygen tank. However, my eye makeup will be perfection.

Here are my favorites - if you decide to purchase, please only purchase one! Elderly abuse is no laughing matter.

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Anastasia Beverly Hills Modern Renaissance Eye Shadow Palette ($42) - 14 neutral to warm shades with names that bring me back to my art history classes. Ultra-matte and metallic finishes, reds and pinks that blend well and don't make you look like you've got conjunctivitis, base colors, crease blend colors and brow bone highlighters. It shakes out to $3 per shade. I must warn you these shadows, much like all ABH shadows are very, very powdery. The slightest touch of a brush and there is fallout galore. Do with that what you will and maybe do your eye makeup before the rest of your face. And, if you're OCD like me, blow the excess shadow off the palette before you put it back in the drawer or get some meds for your OCD. The brush - immediately throw it into the garbage bin. If you choose this palette, promise me you won't watch ABH or Norvina social media content and turn into some Instagram Makeup mess? I could never forgive myself.

Chanel Le Rouge Collection 4 Ombres Multi-Effect Quadra Eyeshadow in Candeur et Experience ($61) - I almost missed my connecting flight to San Sebastian (pictured above) because somewhere over the Atlantic I decided I couldn't live another day without this palette, which led me to a whirlwind trip to the Chanel counter at Duty Free which led me to a chaotic dash through the Madrid airport. And thank goodness I did  all these impulsive things because most of my makeup was in my checked bag which didn't join me for another 36 hours. In other words, we were fated to be together. Why did I have to have this piece of plastic and mica? Three reasons 1) it was Chanel's first all-matte eye shadow quad 2) it was Global Creative Make-up and Colour Director Lucia Pica's first collection and 3) Kristen Stewart's images for the campaign gave me chills. The colors blend and layer well allowing for the creation of many looks from a subtle brownish-maroon wash of color to a full-on siren red halo. I am sure the inhabitants of SS wondered why some strange woman was wandering their streets wearing red eye shadow and the same yoga pants day after day but do I really care? Yes. Yes, I do. 

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Charlotte Tilbury The Dolce Vita Luxury Palette ($53) - I won't lie to you, at times I get really angry with myself for liking this brand. Don't get me wrong, Charlotte Tillbury is an amazing artist and the makeup she does for celebrities is dreamy but the looks she produces for her namesake makeup line are very, very extra special. I went to an event where I met Charlotte and she said the words I've always longed to hear, "You've got the most gorgeous lips!" She then demanded one of her makeup artists apply Secret Salma lipstick on me and 30 minutes later I looked like Tammy Faye Baker during her peak Praise The Lord days. I was then doused in her dreadful fragrance, Scent of A Dream, and pushed out onto 59th street where I was propositioned no less than three times on the subway platform that night by questionably employed men. It took me a long time to forgive Charlotte and her motley crew of makeup artists but when I did, I began to embrace the Dolce Vita palette once again. Three of the shadows are traditional shimmers and can be applied with a brush (although I've used just my finger to complete the entire application before) and the shadow on the lower left is a pressed glitter pigment that should be applied with the ring finger and gently pressed onto the eye lid. Charlotte Tillbury says each palette can provide three distinct looks  ("From Desk to Disco - Desk, Dusk, Disco") and those looks are detailed on the site.

However, allow me to rant for just one short paragraph. I take issue with the "Desk to Disco" marketing because, as stated above. gross. It feels a little too 1980's " I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever let you forget you're a man." Incidentally, I also hate when women call themselves #girlbosses. No. No. No. You're just a boss. And shilling basset-hound printed leggings does NOT count. And don't get me started on Rosé All Day or Namaste in Bed. This cheesy, cliche, ephemeral Girls Rule The World cottage industry is slowly killing my soul. And, I'm back to wondering why I ever forgave Charlotte for making me walk the Sex Worker Shuffle home that night long, long ago.

But, this palette is amazing and I've yet to find a quad or palette that dupes this shade and texture combination. In short, even I can be bought.